Ladies, I don't feel right just telling you what men want for Valentine's Day, so I'm going to give you hints and let you do the figuring out.

Isn't that how women work anyway?

Hint #1 - Cards are nice and cute stuff (like wrapping/gift bags) is fine, but unnecessary for us, besides when have you ever liked a gift you thought was "nice" or "fine."

Hint #1a - If your man put effort into any of the items listed in #1 above, give him bonus points because he doesn't know anything about any of it.

Hint #2 - It doesn't matter how much or how little you spend. In fact, the best gift of all doesn't cost a dime.

Hint #2a - Remember the first sentence of #2 above when you open your gift.

Hint #3 - I think most men have given up on the idea of ever being told they are right about anything (and hoping for an apology is like hoping to win the lottery), but a simple, "You know, honey, last year when I called you a so-and-so for doing such-and-such, you really weren't wrong to do that, I was just mad about something else and took it out on you," would be worth like seven, no 70 x 7, Valentine's Day gifts.

Hint #3a - In a tight economy, #3 above will also work for Christmases, birthdays, Father's Days, and especially anniversaries.

Hint #4 - Women are much more complicated than men, probably as much more complicated as brain surgery is than cutting a piece of meat. Remember, the gift should simply say, "I love you."

Hint #4a - Remember, too, his shouldn't have to say, "I love you, and I remember what you wore on our first Valentine's date, and I remember the very first words you ever said to me, and I remember the name of the first person who ever saw us holding hands, and I remember where we were when we first smiled at each other, and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done in my life before and during our relationship, and..."

Hint #5 - Whoever said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is really smart. Whoever said that trying to use sophisticated techniques to get your man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for your dog is a genius (I think it was Dave Barry).

Hint #5a - I don't really think a #5a is necessary.